An Open Love Letter to Lindy West

I don’t normally allow myself to get too heartfelt and emotional on this blog, cause I’m not about that shit. I don’t ever give my love to just one girl. I like to spread it around like red sauce on pizza. Today however, I’m going to share my deepest feelings and desire for a very exceptional BBW. Since this is a very special post it’s only proper that I set the mood with the right music:

Lindy West, I just want you to know that you are the biggest, brightest, and all around most beautiful feminist in the whole wide world. 

Consider this an open love letter.

When I first discovered you on Jezebel, my heart skipped a few beats. I knew it was love at first sight. Your sassy feminist vibe, your rotund, rubenesque frame, it’s spicy yet familiar. I couldn’t stop thinking about you.

I’ll admit I’ve done wrong in the past. All those nights I spent with other big women, feeding them nachos and friend chicken, sleeping with them, break some off in them, but I would give it all up for you.

I need a strong woman like you to set me right once and for all. You’re a big woman, so naturally you deserve a big man with a big heart, and a really big hot dog.

If you’ll be with me, I will always be there for you.

When ever you need help getting into a wheel chair. Girl I got you.

For you, I would delete my account on Craigslist forever.

We could have countless nights together of cuddling in front of my big ass fire place. With your thick ass and thighs, your potbelly, and your giant love-handles, It’s as if God made you for this purpose; there’s so much more to hold on to. More flesh for me to handle and discover. I love discovering new territories, and your body is like a whole new continent, a whole new world baby.

All them hohos and all them tasty cakes I saved all these years, all yours. You can eat me out of house and home, and stuff your face while you sit on mine. My face is your throne.

I know a beach somewhere that we could go to, where we could go on romantic strolls together. I’d bring out the wheel chair of course, a special wheel chair like you’ve never seen. Girl, you’d never have to walk on them heavy ass legs again, I got you baby, all the way! I know how much trouble you have breathing even when you sit still. So just relax. I’ll roll you up to the candle lit dinner on the beach.

We’d crack open the wine and some Cognac, fine ass cheese, candy corn oreos (your favorite) hamhock gravy and mashed potatoes, pizza, and a funnel to help it all go down. We could let ourselves loose in the moment.

You wouldn’t ever have to lift a finger, in fact I don’t even want you to. All you’d have to do is relax, lay back, and open your mouth.

Follow me on twitter.

Haters Gonna Hate

One thing you’ll notice about my blog is that some of my more controversial posts get nasty comments from bitter, angry fatties unworthy of the BBW title. If there is one thing that distinguishes a fat hoe from a BBW, it’s her capacity to be comfortable in her own skin and big flabby-flabs — not unleashing a shit storm of pent up big fat player hate against me, the one man that’s showing the way to Fat Acceptance. I pray for each hater when she leaves hate on my blog, because God knows all haters go to hell.

fat woman that a hater

What my haters look like after they read one of my posts. “Hey bitch, there’s a twinkie behind you.”

My haters seem to gravitate toward my Sex Slave post and my About Me section. So let’s analyze some of these evil, hateful comments. It’s time for me to address them here and now:

Really? I cook all kinds of pizza and fried chicken and make ice cream, for all my bitches! I don’t hate them for their larger size, I love them for it! You call that misogyny??! Bitch, what are you smoking? Crack? No wonder you can’t find Mr. Right. Good luck anyway.

Next we got this mysterious fattie playing the hater role (again). She probably has a low self esteem and we all know what that means…

I’m just telling the truth. And you don’t even deserve a cream pie with that  horrible fattitude. You sound hungry though, and hunger is the leading cause of all fattitudes. Nigel’s fat camp is enrolling. We take in women that have self-esteem issues for sure 😉

Next up we got us a real big, thick, extra-fat Jabba the Slut that is really a secret admirer. She wants to subscribe to Nigel’s feeding and breeding program, but there’s some kind of cognitive dissonance that prevents her from admitting it. She is in the closet, waiting for some chocolate:

Come on… You know you want it. But since you can’t openly admit it, you spit hate on my Big Game Blog. I highlighted what you said about liking sex slavery, Freudian slip? The gates to Nigel’s pig pen are open, come on in and we’ll wrestle in the mud.

This fat little piggy has hate rolling off her sweaty flabs. I think all that hate violates the laws of Feng Shui or Chi or whatever. Confucius say “when fat bitch angry, she should turn the other chin”, but unfortunately she doesn’t listen to Confucius.

“Fat women lie about rape all the time” BINGO! Sometimes haters accidentally spill out some truth. God, if someone put me to the test, I wouldn’t be arrested, I’d get a trophy. A trophy for first place in fat acceptance and big game. What would you get a trophy for Rachel? Besides being a fat ass bitch? Champion summer sausage swallower?

And here’s a hater that’s full of shit:

Un huh… Really? You feel this way too?

But she is actually a hypocrite. In my Fat Rating System post she wants to know how she measures up, when she left this comment:

Hypocrite….You’re a groupie in denial.

That concludes this post. There are other haters for sure, and some manginas are haters that are angry because they get no vagina. Not all is lost with the female haters though, because each one is just one good dick away from healing. I know this for sure, because I have a degree in holistic healing, and let me tell you: sex is therapeutic. It is the way to healing for all angry fat feminist hate mongers. Fat Acceptance is about healing as much as it is about gettin’ bigger ass.